Pathetic Bob's English Lessons

Pathetic Bob wandered into my office this morning, flopped down on the tile floor, and said, “You know Mike, I’ve been bitching about the economy lately, but I’ve been doing some research, and I put things in a little perspective.”

“Yeah,” I said, “and just what did you perspect?”

“Well,” he began in a somber tone, “although things are getting pretty tough here, I don’t think it will ever get as bad as in Eeng Land.”

“Really? I like England, and I thought they were doing okay over there.”

“There you go thinking again, and you though wrong. Did you know the average person has to pay about $17 million to buy a house?”

“Wow,” I exclaimed, “that’s about 32 million pounds.”

“Yeah,” said Bob, “those houses weigh a lot over there. Also, did you know their mathematics is based on the Dewey decimal system? I mean it’s no wonder their economy is screwed up; who ever heard of doing math with by a library coding system? And another thing, Eeng-Land’s money is based on sterling silver. You can actually buy goods and services with knives, forks, and spoons.”

I honestly don’t know where he comes up with this stuff. I shook my head in bewilderment and asked, “Bob, where do you come up with this stuff?”

“Internet blogs,” he answered. “You can find out anything on blogs.”

“What else did you find out about England?”

“They have too many people named Oliver, Nigel, and Ian. They have urchins in the cities, not just the sea. They have class, both upper and lower. When they go to the theater, they shake spears at actors. They have a King whose name is Big Ben. They still watch Telly even though he died shortly after Kojak was canceled. There was a beetle infestation in the ‘60s that caused young women to wear very short skirts. I have to tell you Mike, that country has some really weird history”

I shook my head again in amazement. “Bob, I don’t think you’ve really been focusing on what you’ve been reading. You’ve just spouted a bunch of half-truths and distortions about a great country. I’ve been to England, and I loved it; I think you’d love it to if you went.”

“Well, why don’t you take me?”

“I can’t afford it right now. The exchange rate is terrible. The American economy is much worse than the British economy.”

Bob thought for a moment. “What if I change my name to Oliver; can we get a discount?”