The Declaration of Pathetic Bob

This morning, after vacuuming and mopping in preparation for the horde known as “My Wife's Family” descending upon our house and swimming pool, my wife said I could take a break, so I came into my office to make my daily rounds on the Internet. My executive dog, Pathetic Bob, followed me.

“Hey Mike,” he said once the door was closed, “What’s with all this July 4th hoopla? Why do Americans get so worked up and eat hot dogs and hamburgers and blow stuff up on this day?”

“It’s Independence Day Bob,” I answered. “It’s the day we celebrate our independence.”

“Independence from what?

“Independence from the yoke of tyranny that was placed upon us by King George of England. Way back in 1776, Americans got tired of being yoked so Thomas Jefferson wrote a document called the Declaration of Independence, and the American politicians signed it. Basically it said, ‘We’re mad as hell, and we’re not gonna take it anymore.’”

“So, that’s where Paddy Chayefsky got that line,” mused Bob “Is that when Americans started drinking coffee?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well,” said Bob, “I heard people were upset because the English were making the Americans buy English tea and they were putting a very hefty tax on it. With tea around $5 a spoonful and lemons $12 each, didn’t all the Americans—well, except the real Americans, you know, the Native Americans—go to Boston and dump on the tea?”

“No Bob, I think you’re a little mixed up. I’m not sure what tea cost back then, but it was more than the people wanted to pay, so some people in Boston threw all the tea from English merchant ships into Boston harbor. They dumped in the ocean, they didn’t dump on the tea.”

“Oh, I see. Ok, when did we develop our dependence on coffee, and did we write a document about it?”

“Bob, I think you’re getting a little off track.”

“What about oil,” Bob went on. “How come we don’t celebrate our dependence on oil? And entertainment, what about that?” And, don’t forget fast-food restaurants and computers and toaster ovens and tanning salons and those pills that make men get an erection? It seems to me Mike, you are much more dependent on all kinds of crap now than people were in 1776. And Jesus Mike, what about taxes? If the people were upset about paying taxes a couple hundred years ago, just think how angry they’d be today.”

“Well, you do have a point Bob,” I agreed. “But back then, the people didn’t have hot dogs and hamburgers and really cool fireworks.”

“Hey, now you’re talking. Let’s go eat.”