Electricity and Hats

After I had finished The New York Times crossword puzzle and started on the Sudoku puzzle this morning, my dog, Pathetic Bob, finally crawled out from under the bed covers and came into the breakfast room. I greeted him cheerfully only to receive a, "Yeah, sure, whatever," from the normally upbeat Bob.
"Somebody got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning," I said.
"Yeah, well fuck you!" Bob retorted.
Now I could have responded with, "Fuck you, too," and we could have spent the morning hurling obscenities at each other, but being the sensitive and somewhat caring lemur that I am, I merely said, "Obviously there is something bothering you Bob. Do you want to share your feelings with me?"
"What are you, a woman?" Bob cracked.
I knew enough to let cranky dogs bitch, so I returned to my puzzle and kept a watch on Bob as he wandered around mumbling and grumbling. After a while, he came back to the table and said, "Look, I'm sorry Em. I had a bad night, and I have a lot on my mind. I might have PMS."
"Trust me Bob, you don't have PMS. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind. Maybe I can help."
"Well maybe I have weltsmertz then. Anyway, there's a whole lotta stuff bothering me that nobody seems to be worried about. That worries me 'cause I think some really bad shit could happen while nobody's paying attention."
"Tell me about some of the shit and then you won't have to worry alone."
"First, people aren't paying enough attention to electricity. If we are not careful, electricity wars will soon break out all across the globe."
"I'm not sure I follow you Bob."
"Wow, how surprising. OK, here's the deal. Global warming is really screwing up the planet. There's way too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, oil prices are high, coal-powered electricity plants are helping to pollute the air, there are too many goddamn computers and video-game consoles being used, and George Foreman is making too many useless kitchen appliances. It seems like the only companies that aren't trying to encourage electrical use are automotive manufacturers. Critical mass will soon be reached; ac will rise up against dc. Remember the Watts riots of the '60s? Wait until you see the Volts riots that are coming. "
"That's a pretty damn bleak assessment Bob. What do you think we should do?"
"Well, if you were smart Em, you would take your money out of your IRA, and invest it in battery companies."
"What else is on your mind Bob?"
"Lots of stuff Em. For instance, the coming hat shortage. Do you know how far down fedora production has fallen in the U.S. alone? Seventy-eight percent, that's how much. And, nobody's doing anything. Another thing is the mental-health crisis. Pharmaceutical companies are cranking out new brain pills faster than rabbits fuck. People are getting to mentally healthy. If the trend continues, we will end up being way short of lunatics, and without lunatics the creative arts will suffer. I could go on, but I'm hungry."
"Well, here's the rest of my toast. After you finish that, why don't you read the comics in the newspaper, that usually cheers you up?”
"Fuck you Em, I'm going back to bed.”