The Christmas Letter

Hi everyone, and Merry Christmas.

Well, just to bring you up to date on the family and friends, the past year had its ups and downs. 2009 started off pretty good, Franklin won $10,000 in the scratch-off lottery game. Unfortunately, his damned fool cousin Tiny talked him into investing all of it into a carbonated perfume scheme, and the money was soon gone. You live and learn, I guess.

Kevin finally graduated from high school, just two days short of his 31^st birthday. I’m really proud of that boy, he decided to go into medicine is currently a test subject in seven different clinical trials.

Veronica Jean is still working over at the smelt factory; my how she loves those fish. Her and Spike are still living in sin together, but I guess that’s kinda the way it is these days with kids. Spike told me he’s getting her a burro for Christmas. She’ll be so pleased; she’s wanted a burro ever since she was four years old. By the way, Spike’s mother, Francis, got paroled in August. She’s living in Watsonville with a clergyman named Ralph. I sure hope she stays off the crack this time.

I don’t know if yall remember the twins—Andrew and not-Andrew—who lived next door to cousin Leonard, but just last month, Jennifer Lopez’s bodyguard beat the hell out of both of them. I heard she was filming a movie over by Canker City, when those boys dressed up like lemurs and tried to steal her underwear. Guess what? She doesn’t wear underwear. Can you imagine? Anyway Andrew was hospitalized with a broken anus, and not-Andrew had multiple lacerations on his thorax.

Grandma Purdy turned 89 in September, and she’s as spry as an 89-year-old leper can be. We went up to the colony and took her some rum cake, the kind she likes. Franklin kept rushing me to leave cause he just can’t stand old leper flatulence. It don’t really bother me, I mean Franklin ain’t no rose to live with.

I got my hip replaced back in March, and so far I’m doing ok. We’re still real upset at our insurance company because they wouldn’t pay for a real human hip, so I had a llama hip put in. I have a little hitch in my walk, but Franklin thinks it’s kinda sexy.

A bit of sad news to report, my sister Buttergirl is dead. She was run over by a tractor at Ted Fleem’s soybean farm. It is still a big mystery as to why she was at Ted’s farm and how she come to be in front of a tractor. I guess God just wanted it that way.

Well, that’s is for now. I hope all of you have a great Christmas and New Year.

Love,

PeanutButterGirl

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Pathetic Bob's Easter Story

It was a balmy Saturday evening in April, and I was at the computer in my office overlooking the pool. I wasn’t actually looking at the screen, only using it as camouflage as I peered over the top observing Milo and Randy, the gay squirrels that rent the large oak tree in the backyard. They seemed to be in deep conversation with Pathetic Bob. I noticed Bob shake his head sideways several times while the squirrels bobbed their heads up and down.

Finally, Bob turned and walked away. He trotted around to pool to the French doors leading to my office. They were open so he came in and parked himself next to my chair. “Hey Bob,” I said. “I noticed you and Randy and Milo seemed to be having a discussion. What’s up?”

Bob swung his head back and forth again and laughed. “Those squirrels are—if you’ll pardon the pun—nuts. They were trying to get me to believe a story about a zombie rabbit. I mean Jeez Em, I’ve seen dead rabbits before, in fact, I’ve even eaten a few, but I have never seen a demised rabbit get up and hop away. Possums have fooled, but rabbits aren’t that clever. And get this Em, they say tomorrow, people are going to worship this dead rabbit and eat chicken eggs. Can you believe it? I know humans have strayed pretty far from reality, but come on, no one is this weird.”

“Crap,” I thought, “I really don’t want to get into this.”

“What to you think Em? Do people really believe in bunny zombies and magical eggs?”

Of course, I could have said, “No, the squirrels were screwing with you,” and left it at that. However, Bob is a pain in the ass, and I knew he would keep bugging me about the story. The next day was Easter, and I was sure he would hear something on TV, then he’d be ticked off I was less than forthcoming. I cursed myself and dove in.

“Well Bob, some people might believe in zombie rabbits and magical eggs, Heck, some people even believe in Rush Limbaugh, so anything is possible. My guess, though, is Milo and Randy got Christian story of the death and resurrection of Jesus mixed up with the Secular worship of money.”

“So what’s the real story?” (CONTINUED BELOW)

“Hell if I know,” I admitted. “It’s a story, stories change with time.”

“You do this every time I ask you a question with philosophical overtones. You weasel on me. You equivocate. Man up dude, give me the straight dope.”

“Like I said, I don’t know. But, what most Christians believe is that this man named Jesus was, in reality, three men in one. He was Jesus the regular guy, He was the all-knowing God, and he was sort of a nebulous figure called the Holy Ghost.”

“Cool,” said Bob. “A ghost story.”

I just looked at him. “May I continue?”

He nodded his head.

“So three-person Jesus walked around a small area in the Middle East preaching peace, love, understanding, and fish, gathering guys into his club along the way. The guys were called The Apostles.”

“Did they have tattoos?

“What?”

“Tattoos, did Jesus’ gang have them.”

“I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, as Jesus was wandering, he did some cool magic tricks and a lot of people he was the savior of the Jewish people because of his magic. Unfortunately for Jesus, a lot of other people thought he was a crackpot. Many of the people who thought that belonged to the religious hierarchy of the day and others were in government positions. When you have powerful religious nut and government officials pissed at you, your days are numbered. To make a long story short, Jesus was a marked man, and soon found himself on trial.”

“What did they bust him for?”

“I don’t know, failure to yield I think. Anyway, Jesus goes on trial, and he’s found guilty. Punishment in those days was pretty severe, and they gave Jesus the death sentence. But guess what?”

“What?”

“Jesus didn’t care. He knew all along he was going to get railroaded and killed. In fact, he was happy about it. So, they nailed Jesus to a cross, and when he didn’t die right away, they stuck him with a spear. After he died, his friends buried him in a cave. According to the story, after three day lying dead in a cave, Jesus comes back to life, roles away the stone blocking the cave entrance, and walks out.”

“Did he look like a zombie?”

“I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, Jesus hangs around for a few days, and then he flies up into the sky. End of story.”

“Well, what about the rabbits?”

“They were fruitful and multiplied.”

Bob thought for a while and finally said, “Hmmm…I’m hungry. You want some eggs?”

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