Coffee and Badgers

Coffee and Badgers

I was sitting on a stool at the counter, coffee smoke, mixed with cinnomon and hazelnut, drifting to my nose, when the bell rang on the door and Perdue Raft and his wife Gia walked in the coffee shop. Approaching the front counter, Perdue glanced to his left and spied me. I offered a lazy smile and a nod. A smile and a nod would not due for the large, outgoing Serb; he moved toward me and grasped me in a bear hug,

“It’s good to see you my friend,” he bellowed. “I heard you were in the hospital.”

“I was,” I said.

“Well you look good. Was it your heart? Cancer? Prostate problem?”

I laughed. No Perdue, my inner lunatic escaped again and rather than drive down the freeway on a tractor in the nude, I thought I ought to go in for an oil change and a lube.”

Perdue roared. “You are a funny guy,” he said in a heavy Slavic accent. Come on man, you can tell me. You had some kind of operation, right? I had my spleen rebuilt two years ago after I fought a badger.”

“Sorry Perdue, no operation. I was in a mental facility, a nut farm, a bat-shit weasel ranch.”

'But I know you my friend, and you are not crazy. You are shit bulling me.”

“Nope,” I said. “Crazy covers a lot of ground Perdue.”

The aroma of my coffee was calling me back to my solitude and morning newspaper, but Perdue didn’t want to let me go.

“Why haven’t you told me you are crazy before now. You are my friend, and I find out just now. This is not a thing I should just find out.” His voice was becoming a little too accusatory.

“Perdue,” called Gia, “leave Mike alone, he just wants to drink his coffee.”

“But Gia, this man is crazy and he did not tell me. Is this something a friend would do? I think not.”

I was tired and becoming irritated. “Look Perdue, I’m going to drink my coffee now, and maybe we’ll talk about this later.”

“But I want to talk about it now,” he insisted.

To my left, resting against the counter, was an item I purchased earlier that morning. An Indian spear I found at a garage sale. I pIcked it up, walked to the back of the shop, turn and chucked it at Perdue. It penetrated his throat, and he fell heavily on one of the tables.

“That’s for the badger Perdue. Now, shut the fuck up.